a world of sufferings...

stupid computer....

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 16:53:07 GMT

kept rebooting and rebooting problem still not solve? can i just slam you idiot? hope no data will be lost... maybe it's my fault.. maybe u need to see a doctor already..

tears dripping... why do i feel more and more not suited into this world? it seems to me that this world is no longer worth living in.... i wanna see no more.. can death come soon for me? would it be better to be dead? is this the cruelty and reality of this world or am i born at the wrong place? i just simply don't fit in anywhere... not school, not family, nowhere.. i'm lost... ...

maybe, i need to be alone. have to live in a world of my own.. have to be treated differently..

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 09:17:43 GMT

another moment of hopeless... i'm hopeless.. hopeless... hopeless..

Mon, 19 May 2008 12:21:38 GMT

went..... 3/4 fainted out of no reason i would say... luckily my dad notice it fast enough b4 i really collapse.. or maybe there's reasons if really go dig them out... wonder what will be the next time.. really just went off like this without anyone noticing? this is the first time experiencing this..perhaps it'll be worst the next time.

maybe, i kept too much but i couldn't find a person i can really let all out. or maybe i really need a break from both family and school...

as a person driven by values, it's hard and confusing for me to make decisions. i won't want to run away from my responsibilities no matter how small it is. Maybe this is where i'm different from most people, including my siblings. sorry, but all the values that's been cultivated in me are so strong and deep like the roots of a tree that it's hard to pull it out.

yes, i might be soft hearted at times, i may have been trying to be less selfish at times to suit the people. BUT, when it come to things like values, i'm very firm.

disasters are like coming without word/hint. people are left homeless and starved to death and here we are wasting food. why am i trying to explain this? why am i saying this here? i couldn't even give a definite answer to myself...

would it be better if i hadn't even existed? at least i won't be bringing troubles... ...

stop forcing me...
should i call myself quits?
why are people teaching me the wrong things? no, i don't want to run away
or should i really listen to them?
people will hate me for life if i really follow
maybe i've been taking everything too seriously...
what should i do?
no, i want no more counsellings..
it dosen't help cos u just wouldn't understands
yes, i'm a problematic kid or watever u call...
i might be unpredictable
no, don't think i'll kill myself though i tried to/ have that thoughts in the past
there's lots more consequences to bare than any other if i just kill myself
guess u kinda able to predict the first thing i'll escape from
but i'm not the person who'll left things started without a proper end
or should i really go MIA?
for sure i'll regret that
should i continue to suffer in silence?
at least i feel better hurting myself than hurting others
don't push me to a dead end... don't force me please... please everyone...
which one's more important?
family or school?
at least i've a definite answer to this one...

to my siblings if u happen to see this one day:
you may say that i'm too "guai"
it's not that i won't rebel
maybe sometimes i wouldn't dare to
but the main reason is i didn't want to
should i even try explaining? well, i don't think so
it's useless opening up to u
since u wouldn't even understand no matter how hard i tried explaining
yes, u may say we're only a few years away
but there's still many things u don't know
i might be a second mother in the house like what u all say
but it's not like i really want it... it's my duty to do it
i've the words from mum..
i tried to tell u nicely but u wouldn't listen
i don't want to use a cane to go after you all; u are big enough
all i can say is: don't force me to become a nasty sister, even if i don't,
                          : all the best if one day mother burst out like volcano; u know how cruel she can get
                          : don't regret when that happens
well, perhaps i'm the more obedient child in the family
but the point is, u were not in my shoes so u wouldn't know anything...
it saddens me when i look at the scar on my left hand...
but u'll never understand how it feels
perhaps i'm really born at the wrong dimension and year...

will my disappearance make things simpler? if yes, i shall do it at all costs since my appearance is hindering so many things...

i wanna cry
but crying doesn't solve matters
therefore, no point crying...

should i make my move? when should i do it then?

Mon, 12 May 2008 16:14:24 GMT

ok... ppl say the way i blog in the choir blog is different from me... erm... hmm.. is that suppose to be a compliment? or is it that it's surprising that i can act differently sometimes? hehe...=)

Sun, 11 May 2008 14:59:56 GMT

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground

http://www.shexy.nl/lyrics/672/timbaland-ft-one-republic-apologize

Sun, 11 May 2008 14:53:11 GMT

guess my eyes truely shows... and i just know that only....... okay.. i didn't even know myself well enough when i thought i did... treasure my everyday... hard to achieve..
i aimed to be the candle light... even though it's small & limited, it'll still makes a difference in lighting up the place and provide some warm until it burns out.... have i forgotten my aim? have i forgotten what i wanted to achieve?

Sun, 11 May 2008 14:35:41 GMT

All:
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife

In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life?

How About Love?
How About Love?
How About Love?
Measure In Love

Seasons of Love.
Seasons of Love.

Joanne:
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Journeys To Plan

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man

Collins:
In Truths That She Learned
Or In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died

All:
It's Time Now - To Sing Out
Though The Story Never Ends
Let's Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

Remember the Love
Remember the Love
Remember the Love
Measure In Love

Joanne:
Oh you got to you got to remember the love,
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love, spread love
Measure, measure your life in love.

ALL
Seasons Of Love(2x)

Joanne:
Measure your life, measure your life in love

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/rent/seasons_of_love.html

Sun, 11 May 2008 14:00:13 GMT

American Idol Season 6 (2007) Winner Song

There was a time I packed my dreams away.
Living in a shell, hiding from myself.

There was a time when I was so afraid.
I thought I'd reached the end,
But baby that was then
I am made of more than my yesterdays.

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now.

I have to decide,
Was I gonna to play it safe.
Or look somewhere deep in side,
Try to turn the tide,
And find the strength to take that step of faith.

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.
As I look around
I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now.

And I have the courage like never before, yeah.
I've settled for less now I'm ready for more,
Ready for more.

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.
As I look around I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now.

I'm living in the moment
I look around I can't believe the love I see.
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt
That was then, this is my now.
This is my now.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/this-is-my-now-lyrics-jordin-sparks.html

Need reminders....

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 08:28:56 GMT

You've heard of alarm clock and it's purpose is to wake people up at specific timings. but have you heard of an alarm that keep reminds people to chill whenever needed? i guess i'll need one of them haha.

Maybe i'm keeping lots of things to myself... during secondary, my friends always say that i'm stressed... but to me, i still didn't know the word stress. Now, i somehow got to understand it. People are like telling me i'm stressed and asking me to chill.. perhaps i am and i shall admit this time.

Since people are telling me to chill, i think i really need to learn how to cool myself down which i dunno how.. but there'll be a time where i find a way. =)

better... ...

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:25:59 GMT

went KAP after aca pract which is a few hours ago.. glad that i didn't went home straight cos i don't feel so tense up after a trip there though ppl are like doing their own things after eating. maybe i need some time off with friends. though you all didn't really do much but i still wanna thank you guys.

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 00:52:05 GMT

just how much more can everyone take? i don't like this feeling. it hurts... yeah... missed the last bus home last night... luckily, didn't need to take taxi home...not enough money... thought of staying in school if there's no other choice... luckily, Safarah's dad gave me a lift... wonder how should i repay it.. should just keep in from my mum...

first times...

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 17:49:57 GMT

Reach home around 11++. First time went out so early and back late with friends.. first time celebrating friend's birthday without considering those that ppl bought cakes and celebrate it after choir(just sing b'day song and tt's all)... first time watching movie(excluding previous)... or should i say first time watching with friends and 1st time going to golden village to watch it...
omg... suddenly realised there's so many first time for me... only after i joined npchoir for dunno how many months... had my first chalet last month... received my first present this Mon if i ignored the previous..(the Mon that just past)... I like that present a lot =) thanks Sha and Jo. first time going to Plaza Sing last year... that for PP meeting unfortunately...went shopping there like last week only cos of that shirt(didn't reli shop actually LOL).. can say my first time la... know what? don't ever ask me for places to shop cos I DON'T SHOP.. SERIOUSLY.. always going with a motive.. most of the time is popular.. i'm the buy and go type.... can say is partially because i hate shopping.. still got some more,... first time eating at delifrance today... first time at Swensens 2 months ago... oh, and first time taking neoprints... think that's about it.. more to come... this sounds stupid i know... that's why i'd say i'm a frog in a well... ... should i be happy about it? no idea...
Seems to be a burden to everyone though.. everyone scare that i'll lost again... just because of what happen during chalet... and i'm the troublesome one.. need to take care of me cos i'm vegan... limiting places they can go... maybe won't go out again..

Thank you guys a lot :) love u all

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 17:34:31 GMT

I seriously want to thank all of you for what happened last night, as in on wed. I felt so happy and embarrassed at the same time. Happy because I know that there's people out there who cared so much for me. frankly speaking, I don't get that concern from my family members at all so might as well not tell them what'd happen since i'll end up getting scolded... Embarrassed because i caught everyone's attention that Joe have to call all of you back to continue practice. guess that'll be another bad impression for him on me...
I don't really know what happened.. but i felt pain in my stomach half way through choir practice.. thought it'll just go away after a while.. but sad to say, that's not the case. almost to the end of practice, i went to washroom that's why you see me disappear suddenly haha (that's only if u realised). However, the pain still didn't go away and i felt like i'm having a headache. To me, it still wasn't that serious so i continued to stay on. haha.. acting tough u would say... But... sadly, this sudden very sharp pain came while going through 'The Way You Look Tonight'. those who were besides me already realised something's wrong with me.. and i still told them i'm ok.. hahaha. that pain continued until i could endure it no much longer when we come to 'What A Wonderful World' but i told myself to stay on until the end of the song and i shall move out secretly and silently... i failed when it almost come to the end..i'm so useless right? Anyway, got to thank you guys a lot for the concern u all gave me. After resting a while on the sofa, that sharp pain has gone though it's still pain, i decided to join back :) the pain finally subsided at around 10+ almost 11 but the headache did not. so, reached home, check my mails then went to bed cos couldn't stand the headache anymore. looked at the time.. it was exactly 12.. haha.

well, it's my fault that i didn't update so u guys post in the last post. so sorry.

I'm feeling better now. Thanks all of you for the concern :)

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 08:11:29 GMT

sorry guys, not really feeing very well today. trying to act normal. hope none of you have realised till now. don't want you guys to worry. sorry for screwing up today. trying hard to grasp my breath... it seems like i'm out of breath easily today.

learning to be a better person :)

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 13:06:59 GMT

Well, life have to go on no matter how many hardships you've faced. No one is born to be a failure. If people don't like the way I'm behaving, I'll try to change while keeping in mind what's right and wrong :) After been through so much and more to come, I think i should be grateful to them instead of hating them. Anyway, hatred won't solve the problem too. After all, they have helped me to mould my character though it's quite unfair. This is how my self-independence comes by thanks to my family members. So, do tell me if you are not happy with me and I'll try to change as long as it's reasonable =)
I shall continue to work hard and change myself to be a better person =D

Regrets

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 17:25:48 GMT

After much thought about it, I've decided to create a blog... I just can't bottled everything together and I don't really know where I should let my feelings out to.. I can tell my closer friends but they have their stuff to do... so just don't want to disturb them.. don't feel like letting it out to family members too cos they just don't understand me at all!! Instead of showing concern as a sibling, they'll just laugh at me. Perhaps I'm just too matured for them to even understand me. We are so near yet so far apart....

Anyway, today, or should I say yesterday, I kinda regret going to KAP for some sort of dinner for me since I'm hungry after Acappella. It's my first time going there after practice and it to turn out this way.. I thought there might be some bonding going on since they always asked me to eat with them and they seemed to be always excited about eating together after practices but I seriously can't. Yesterday, I was just too hungry so i decided to go Mac and joined them.. What an impression for me as a first timer. After I finished my fries, I decided to take 961 home since it's just outside the Mac and I end up getting caught in the Jam. That's when I thought about lots of things.. one of it is creating a blog la.. haha. What a night I should say... regretting everything I did. I could've just got onto 184 and head home straight. anyway, it's already pass and i shouldn't think about it anymore. However, I guess I shall never go and eat out with them again after this incident. With this thought still in mind, I seriously hope that my instinct will be wrong--that chalet we had is the last time many of us(I won't say all) have bonded well and enjoy themselves...........................

I don't want to live my life with regrets as the majority.